Tears of Gratitude

With a great deal of support (and perhaps a shove) from a dear friend and the subsequent hand-holding from someone who was (until recently) a mere acquaintance, I recently found my way back to church after 20+ years away.  This has been a difficult process for me - one that I have contemplated for 9 years and seriously considered for many months now.

I was fairly certain last week that I had found my new church home.  As the week progressed and I interacted with various church members and leaders, I grew more confident.


Today's message was on the Attitude of Gratitude.  Gratitude for everything your life.  Everything!  Even the stuff that is feels like there is no good in it.  Gratitude for everything that God has given because it is all for a purpose.

As I listened intently to the message, my mind was flooded with examples of all that I had to be grateful for.  There were so many!  I nodded in agreement.  In that moment, my rational mind was right there with the message.  Just then, I knew that even my forsaken marriage is a gift worthy of gratitude.  I am physically healthier and emotionally stronger now than I was 7 months ago.  There are a good many people in my life today whom I never would have met if my world had not shattered at my feet.  And without the loss of everything I thought to be true in my life, I would not have been driven to find God again after so many years of pushing Him away.  Yes, even the bad in my life is good!


And then - just a split second later - came the emotional response.  Tears flowed - slowly at first, one teardrop at a time.  I did not wipe them away.  Then they came faster as a wave of emotions crashed over me.  While my tears were silent (or so I hoped!), they were not unseen.  Each time I would begin to pull myself together, there was a hand on my arm or my shoulder - someone I'd never met before letting me know that I was not alone.

As the service came to an end, I thought that I was finally going to win the Battle of Tears!  But then a man made his way over to ask what he could do for me.  Afraid to say more, I simply asked him to pray for me.  He assured me that he would.  As he walked away, the last of my emotional strength crumbled.  Instantly, I was surrounded.  I quite literally cried on the shoulder of a woman I had never met, my tears so thick that I couldn't even see her face.  Others were holding my hands, sharing words of comfort and tending to my children.

Three faithful and resilient women sat with me as I cried more tears than I knew existed.  There were not enough tissues in the world to mop me up!  The only explanation that I could give for my devastation was a basic description of how my world imploded last September.  (Not that an explanation was necessary or even requested, but how does one sob to perfect strangers without saying something?!)  But as I spoke, I knew that it was just a sliver of the truth.


The truth is that I didn't even really know all the reasons I was crying!  Sure, there is the pain of my husband's betrayal , the loss of so much that I yearn to recover, and the uncertainty that goes with contested divorce proceedings.  But there was more.  So much more!  Some of it is beyond my own understanding.  There was pain and sadness and loss and anger and other undefined feelings that were thoroughly unpleasant!  But there was also an overwhelming appreciation for the love of God and His people, and an overall feeling of emotional safety.

Mostly, I think that the tears I cried today were those that I have held in for many days, weeks and months as I have attempted to handle for myself something that is simply too big for any human.  They fell today because they could.  They fell today because I knew that I was not alone.  They finally fell because I have found my church home and people of faith who are ready to help me accept what I have fought for so long.  Today's tears were something special.  They were

Tears of Gratitude

Overachieving as a Single Mom

I have been sitting on this post for 6 months.  To begin with, I was shell-shocked.  Then I was hurt.  Hurt by actions, words, opinions, the choosing of sides, and generally grieving the loss of a relationship that started 19 years ago.  A relationship that apparently was not what I thought it was.  Then I just didn't want to put it out there, as though doing so would...  I don't know.  Make it real?

Did I think that my marriage was perfect?  No.  Not by a long shot.  I knew there were issues.  Very Big Issues.  I knew that we both contributed to those issues, and that we would have to come together to work on them.  I thought that we were going through a rough patch - that we would find our way through that rough patch and eventually come through it with a stronger relationship in the end.  I believed that with all my heart!

But my heart was wrong.  In the end, there was no choice for me to make as far as my marriage was concerned.  That choice was made for me.  The man that I gave my heart to and intended to spend the rest of my life with was gone.  My attempts to hold onto family and friends - to make them understand - resulted in further alienation.  It's no wonder, really.  But in the moment, I just could not accept the changes to my life that I had not asked for and did not want!  All I could see was doors slamming in my face.

It wasn't long before word spread.  It is hard to say whether it was harder to endure the looks of pity that followed me, or having to explain the constant waterworks to those who had not already heard from someone else.  Mixed in were also hugs and words of encouragement from women that I didn't even realize were single moms.  They always seemed so organized and put together that I never would have thought they were doing everything on their own!  How could anyone go from where I was to so...put together?  Maybe there was hope for  me!

Slowly, I have been figuring things out.  I am finding new ways to do things so that I can at least make sure that the basics are covered each day.  My little family of 3 has adjusted old routines and settled into new ones.  The boys miss seeing Daddy every day, and one of them is still convinced that Daddy moved out because of brotherly arguments or too many "Daddy! Daddy! Daddies!"  But they are also somewhat appeased by getting to do things that they never got to before.  Like staying for after school care on days when I simply cannot be in two places at once.

There have been moments of frustration when time has run out and there is still too much to be done.  Or when Mom just can't do something the same way that Dad would do it.  Or when they want attention but I am too busy to take a break from the increased responsibilities of single parenthood to play a game of Irishopoly.  But then comes the break that we need, usually just when we need it the most.  Sometimes it is an "Aha!" moment that leads to increased efficiency.  (An hour of drawing up liquid medications for a week makes for sore thumbs, but mornings are sure a whole lot easier!)  Other times it is a "laugh or cry" situation.  And since there have already been too many tears in recent months, laughter is the standard response when things go awry.  My Super Productive Morning gave me one of my first big laughs as a single mom.

Slowly but steadily, I am regaining a sense of community.  Acquaintances and even former strangers have stepped into roles that were vacated by others just 6 months ago.  I still miss the friends and family that walked away or distanced themselves under the guise of not picking a side.  I still experience the grief attached to the death of my marriage and so many dreams.  But sadness is no longer my primary emotion.  While my legs are still shaky at times, my feet are once again under me as I take one step at a time into the next chapter of my life.  This new chapter is

Conquering Single Motherhood

The emotion?  

Hope